Felt I should mention that I owe the title of this blog to Story People. Story People Quotes
How many times have I said that one? Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I tell it to myself each time I embark on a new adventure. A new career path. A new Diet. A new relationship. I tell myself that THIS time it will be different. That I will not make the same mistakes that I made before. That I will show more self discipline. That I will control my emotions better. That I will not over think things. That I will not take things personally. That I will wake up every morning and go for a run. That I will eat healthy lunches. That I will go to bed every night with the sink shined and the dishes put away. And I believe it with every fiber of my being. Sometimes I actually even DO it. And that somehow, once I DO THE THINGS everything will fall in to place and I will be happy. I will Like MYSELF.
Then sometime around week Three, after I've stayed up too late, with cocktail in hand, over-thinking what I may have said wrong or not have said right to the Crush du jour, after hitting snooze three times, desperately praying for a quick death to cure my hangover, and racing out the door with wet hair and no breakfast, cause I couldn't find a clean bowl for my cereal - it hits me. Shit. Here I am again.
Today is the First Day of the Rest of my life. I'm a big believer in new beginnings and reinventing myself. But lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to "re-boot." I'm finding it harder to motivate myself to really change, cause I've grown comfortable with my habits. My roundness when I look in the mirror doesn't scream at me like it did when I was in my 20's (and 40lbs skinnier - but that's another blog). I no longer believe that denying myself that extra cocktail, chocolate, pancake or slice of cheesecake is a reflection of my character. I no longer worry that my friends and family will judge me overly harshly cause the floor isn't vacuumed and the counters don't sparkle. I realized that I've actually kind of always liked me the way I was, I was just trying to get everyone ELSE to like me. I've realized I could bend myself in to a fucking pretzel - and the people who don't like me are STILL not gonna like me and the people who do like me would have probably liked me anyway.
But the consequences of me becoming comfortable with my vices are starting to pile up. My weight issue isn't one of Vanity anymore, so much as a health concern. The house looks like I'm getting ready to go full on "Hoarder" in corners. The simple things like arriving to meetings on time and fulfilling my obligations are going by the way side. Where before EVERYTHING freaked me out - now nothing does. I find this worrisome and suddenly I DO have that little voice screaming inside of me that SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE. I resent the HELL out of that voice.
That voice used to sound like my mother. Telling me my butt was too big. Telling me to clean my pigsty of a room. It sometimes sounded like Sister Bernadette, reminding me that cleanliness was a virtue and Jesus would cry if I walked in late to Church and boy would God be pissed (to clarify, Sr. Bernadett would never have used the word "pissed" it's just the voice.) The voice has sounded like various Bosses, Frenemies, Professors, My Ex-Husband, A few Boyfriends, and Family members through out my entire life. Me drowning out that voice always felt like a little victory. I'll SHOW THEM. THIS IS MY LIFE. THEY CAN'T BOSS ME AROUND. SCREW THE DIET I FUCKING LIKE ME.
Now the voice sounds like me. I am my own boss. I am no longer responsible to the Mother I have distanced myself from. I no longer have to twist my hopes and dreams and schedules to conform to an Ex-Husband who never did the same for me. I no longer belong to a Church that tells me that at my very essence I am sinful. There is no one to rant at, no rules or people to rebel against. It's me coming to the horrifying truth that if I really liked me, I would be taking care of myself better. I would be the Mother I always wanted to be cause my Mother couldn't. If I really liked me, I would take care of my home cause it's my precious possession and it's the home I'm creating for me and my loved ones. It's me realizing that dammit, it's up to me to make sure that all those hopes and dreams come true, it's not anyone else's responsibility. It's not any one else's dreams.
Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life. I should really get on that.
"It's me realizing that dammit, it's up to me to make sure that all those hopes and dreams come true, it's not anyone else's responsibility."
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister! I'm working on the same.
And - I'm going to link to you from my blog. :)
I think that you will realize that this is a great step to change, and that so many of the people that read your blog have gone through or are going through the exact same thing as you are. Kudos Frances and Bravo!!!
ReplyDeleteI can only said that I can read myself in your letters. I still remember when I move from home and when I heard mom's car I just get freak checking the house to see if it was in order, as if it was hers... then one day, she came home early n the morning and start ranting about how I didn't do this or that in MY house, and I just told her, there is the broom and there is the door, you can choose. That day I feel liberated, but that was a long time ago and now, I have to do it, not because none will say anything, but because sometimes as you say, it's my responsability, I have nothing to prove to others but I owned it to myself
ReplyDeleteFrances, you are amazing. I love ya and I am going to take your words to heart. They speak straight to me.. Love ya!
ReplyDelete