Added Goals - Don't forget to pray and be Nice to Myself.

LONG rambly post... Mostly just me thinking out loud.  Feel free to ignore this one.  

Sometimes I come off as a bit of a Debbie Downer... but for the most part I am an optimistic person.  I have really been blessed in my life in so many ways, and I really do try and be thankful for the good things in my life.  Sometimes though, it's  not enough - and like now, I feel the need to make major changes in my life.  Usually, I'm not really quite ready to commit to those changes and I fail.  Then I beat myself up over not making those changes and it's a weird little circle of life thing, cause the beating up leads to an erosion of confidence which leads to even less desirable output and the need to start over again and then I don't follow through, which makes me want to kick myself in the pants to start over .... and so on and so on.  

For instance, I've been in a diet since I was 18.  I started off at 125 lbs... 24 years later I'm still on a diet and NOW weigh, well, let's just say, CONSIDERABLY MORE THAN THAT. I've been writing my "novel" since I was in 6th grade, fresh from reading To Kill a Mockingbird, thinking "WOW, I can DO that."  I don't think I've ever gotten past page 8 (though am actually pretty thrilled with myself for getting my 5th blog done in 7 days...woo hoo)  What started as a goal to keep my "room" clean, became my never ending struggle to eliminate clutter and mess from my house.  

So what can I do differently this time?  I've tried it with the help of friends, I've tried going it alone, I've tried putting myself in the hands of God, the Universe and an ex Husband.  Never worked for long, I mean, I'd meet some measure of success, but soon enough, I'd slip back in to old habits.  So what's the key?  I've been successful at a LOT of other things in my life, so what can I learn from them - that I can apply to these areas of my life?

I think it boils down to the following.  I need to truly make a mental shift.  One of my most difficult accomplishments, was quitting smoking.  I smoked from the age of about 12 until I was 30.  I'd quit every other year, and it would last a day, a month, sometimes as long as 6 months.  Then I would sneak a cigarette, I would berate myself for my weakness, I'd make 100 excuses as to WHY I NEEDED that cigarette at that point,  and suddenly I'd be back to smoking.  And I'd feel like hell. The feeling of self loathing would eat at me.  Why am I so weak?  Why do I lack the will power to stop?  Then the blame games would start, well if only so and so hadn't pissed me off, gosh, but work is so stressful and I need this cigarette to calm myself and really this is just kind of a shitty week so maybe I'll quit next Monday, at the beginning of next month, Next year... and then defiant acceptance.  Well fuck it, I'm just a Smoker.  That's who I am.  Light up or shut the fuck up.  There is nothing wrong with me smoking and it's just society try to impose it's fucking will on me and trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Fuck them.  Light Up America.  Screw "the MAN" yeah.  Until I'd wake up one day smelling of cigarettes with a mouth that tasted of ashes and it would dawn on me, Oh yeah - I WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED TO QUIT AND THIS IS WHY.  So I'd quit.  And I'd fuck Up.  And I'd beat myself up over it.  And I would get angry. And I would accept - over and over again. 

Then came my pregnancy.  I wasn't expecting it.  In fact, I was kind of shocked cause I had been told it would be so difficult for me to conceive.  I counted back to a rather long night of smoking and drinking and I prayed, prayed HARD to a God I'm not always sure is listening and a Universe I was just getting to know.  Please.  Please let her come out OK (and look like Gabriella Reese, and be as smart as Einstein, and have the calm demeanor of the Dalai Lama oh and please God don't give her that weird teeny toenail thing I have going on...) and I'll be good.  And I quit.  Completely during the pregnancy and then I snuck a few more cigarettes here and there during my first few months of breastfeeding... but there were no recriminations and no jumping back up on the band wagon cause I still had many more months of breast feeding ahead.  I fucked up, but it happens and then I would diligently apply myself to not fucking up anymore.  Then one day I smoked my last cigarette - I remember it clearly.  I'd snuck one from the pack my husband at the time left on the counter.  It was 40 degree below zero outside,, and I had my window cracked so I could smoke through it... and the absurdity of it hit me.  I am a GROWN woman, sneaking cigarettes, freezing my fool fingers off and smoking out the window like I was in High School.  Oh, and it tastes like shit. Why am I doing this again?  And that was my last one.  A little over 10 and a half years ago.  Complete mental shift.  No more cravings.  

I feel I need to apply that same thing to my weight loss efforts, but I'm not sure how.  Please God, the Universe, help me out here however you can.  Also, yeah, I'm gonna mess up but I HAVE to do better now.  My blood pressure numbers are rising and cholesterol levels are on the threshold.  It's time.  I work so hard to raise an amazing daughter to WHAT?  To let some stupid heart attack kill me off cause I try and fit chocolate, bacon and cheese in to at least three meals a week? (or a day, whatever, don't judge.) There are so many wonderful, good foods out there.  I like to cook them.  WTF is my problem?  I'm lazy some days and don't want to cook, well HELL there are all those pre-made shakes and soup packets that I spent a small fortune on.  I'm going to fall, it's ok, I can get up.  Get to it.  I'm never gonna be that magical size 5 I wanted to be when I was 18,  but dayam, I can be healthy, and look better, and have more energy and feel better, right?  Why is it so hard to give myself permission to be nice to myself?  Why is it so much easier to bad mouth myself and call myself a long litany of names and focus on all the deficiencies of my nature?  To beat myself down so I lose all hope or wish to do better?  Why?  

I don't do this to myself professionally, I don't do it to anyone else.  Why do I think it's OK to treat myself like this??  So I think in addition to all those other changes I want to make, I need to add one more, cause I don't think any of those other changes are going to happen, much less stick, if I don't.  I need to be nicer to myself and treat myself with as much respect and kindness as I would a random stranger.  I'm worth it.