You don't have to be a bundle of contradictions to be a woman, she said. But we all agreed it helps.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Depression or Hormones?
OK, I think I'm ready to admit it. I've been depressed. It's affected my work, my efficacy and joy at being a parent, and is making me kind of a buzz kill. I haven't written forever because I've been lost in this sea of Netflix Marathons and endless hours of cruising through Facebook posts and Pinterest pins. I've become a consumer of media and not a creator of it, and that has me feeling really sad. And pissy. I'm always crabby, I feel put upon at the slightest request, I'm being intensely selfish and it's not good for me or for the people around me.
The Universe always sends you messages when you are ready to hear them. Today, the messages I received were this. I'm unhappy because I'm settling. I've settled for mediocrity and a pay check and I'm not being authentic. Now 1/4 of that pay check may disappear because I've not been myself and I'm missing deadlines and because I just basically told the other 3/4 of my paycheck to go to hell by quitting my largest account.
I need a big change. But I need to be employed to survive. There are so many decisions I need to be making and I've done nothing but practice avoidance. I take three hour naps. I distract myself with... all sorts of things, social media, the endless offerings of bland TV shows and bad movies that can be streamed, booze, food, social situations with people I no longer find interesting or stimulating. I've isolated myself. I no longer have friends that I feel I can discuss any of this with... because I'm deeply and profoundly ashamed. I don't want anyone to know what's going on inside of me and it's making me really uninteresting.
I feel as if I've lost my character. My joy. My drive. I know that there are things I should be doing AND I KEEP ON NOT DOING THEM. I do the very basics to survive and maintain and Life should be about so much more. I have an amazing BF that works all the time, doing ACTUAL work, career wise, as well as on himself... he's teaching himself piano. He starts projects around the house. He exercises regularly. I really feel as if I'm holding him back.
My family grew recently when he moved in with his two kids. They are great kids, funny, warm, intelligent. And I feel like all I do all the time is YELL at them or show my disapproval... I see how it dims their inner a light a bit each time, I see it as I'm doing it to my daughter... and I try and catch myself sometimes with a joke or by distancing myself and just SHUTTING UP. But then one non perfect aspect rears it's head and off I go.
I need to do something immediate. I'm thinking about starting off with "natural" depression cures first, over the counter herbs and exercise. Trying to create a consistent structure for myself and the family. Trying to react first with warmth, and humor and love and less with anger and sarcasm. GAH. Now I actually need to go off and do something as well.
The Universe always sends you messages when you are ready to hear them. Today, the messages I received were this. I'm unhappy because I'm settling. I've settled for mediocrity and a pay check and I'm not being authentic. Now 1/4 of that pay check may disappear because I've not been myself and I'm missing deadlines and because I just basically told the other 3/4 of my paycheck to go to hell by quitting my largest account.
I need a big change. But I need to be employed to survive. There are so many decisions I need to be making and I've done nothing but practice avoidance. I take three hour naps. I distract myself with... all sorts of things, social media, the endless offerings of bland TV shows and bad movies that can be streamed, booze, food, social situations with people I no longer find interesting or stimulating. I've isolated myself. I no longer have friends that I feel I can discuss any of this with... because I'm deeply and profoundly ashamed. I don't want anyone to know what's going on inside of me and it's making me really uninteresting.
I feel as if I've lost my character. My joy. My drive. I know that there are things I should be doing AND I KEEP ON NOT DOING THEM. I do the very basics to survive and maintain and Life should be about so much more. I have an amazing BF that works all the time, doing ACTUAL work, career wise, as well as on himself... he's teaching himself piano. He starts projects around the house. He exercises regularly. I really feel as if I'm holding him back.
My family grew recently when he moved in with his two kids. They are great kids, funny, warm, intelligent. And I feel like all I do all the time is YELL at them or show my disapproval... I see how it dims their inner a light a bit each time, I see it as I'm doing it to my daughter... and I try and catch myself sometimes with a joke or by distancing myself and just SHUTTING UP. But then one non perfect aspect rears it's head and off I go.
I need to do something immediate. I'm thinking about starting off with "natural" depression cures first, over the counter herbs and exercise. Trying to create a consistent structure for myself and the family. Trying to react first with warmth, and humor and love and less with anger and sarcasm. GAH. Now I actually need to go off and do something as well.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Feminist - Fuck yeah, be one and be proud.
Definition of FEMINISM
1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2: organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests
Dude. That's it. THAT'S all that being a feminist is. Wanting to be treated with the same respect, wanting to be treated the same under the law, wanting to be paid the same amount for the same amount of work, wanting to be given all the same opportunities as our penis bearing brethren do.
That's IT.
I'm in a bad mood. Normally, I go on Pinterest to avoid the heated Facebook conversations like this. Then some woman had to post "Great science Activity for boys" and I was all interested trying to find something cool to share with the BF's son so I wanted to see what makes it a "boy" activity? Anything particularly gross? Weird insects? Disgusting textures and smells? Not that any of that matters to some of the girls (like my own) that I know, but still I was searching for what made it a "boy's" activity. For instance, this blog, I GET.. 10 Cool Science Activities for Boys I mean making fake snot and poop? I can see why most girls wouldn't want to do that. Instead it was some totally generic experiment and for some reason, it TOTALLY PISSED ME OFF. In my mind, the person who posted this apparently thought that cool science was only the domain of BOYS. Well screw you random woman on the internet...the subtle and insidious dumbing down of American women can not be allowed to continue.
I know that "feminists" are labeled as man haters, but I don't hate men. I'm currently in a relationship with one and quite fond of him. So, tonight's rant will not be about men, it's going to be about WOMEN. Women who apparently hate women. Women, who apparently are ASHAMED of women who stand up for themselves, who expect equal pay for their work, who would like control procreative control over their bodies without giving up sex. Women who train their daughters to be submissive and good house cleaners and teach their son's to be all they can be while being waited on hand and foot. You'll tell your daughters about not doing X, and X and X because of the "dangers" out there... but never once have a conversations with your son about demeaning women or hey, try not to RAPE ANYBODY. They are the ones who start off any sentence that has them standing up for their own damn selves as... "well, it's not like I'm a FEMINIST or anything...BUT... " Dammit woman. It's OK to be a feminist. It's OK to stand up for yourself and expect to be treated with respect. It does not mean you have to go running out the door to toss your bra, lipstick and heels on the nearest bonfire and hook up with another chick and become vegan. How did it become OK for us as a society to refer to ourselves as bitches... but Oh? A Feminist? I'd NEVER be that.
Are you a Stay at home? who decided that the most important job you have is to raise your children? THEN YOU TOO CAN BE A FUCKING FEMINIST by raising your daughters to be proud and strong and your sons to be respectful of women. Give that girl a Tonka trunk, let that boy change the diaper on the baby doll and you are well on your way!
Do you like to dress up and be pretty and put on lipstick and flirt with attractive men? Guess what? YOU CAN BE A FEMINIST too! There is no rule that says you can't like men, wear push up bras, and not be expected to get paid for the same work you did the day before date night.
Love your men, love the sons and the husbands and the boyfriends and that really hot guy who mows your lawn without a shirt on. But never allow them to treat you like you are less than. I've discovered that most good men WON'T. I've discovered that even the kind of sketchy ones won't do it unless you've ALLOWED it. Let's all try and be more like Hedy Lamarr, who was fucking gorgeous and BRILLIANT than the hot mess that was poor Marilyn Monroe. UGH, "hot mess" another pet peeve... but that rant will wait til another day.
1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2: organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests
Dude. That's it. THAT'S all that being a feminist is. Wanting to be treated with the same respect, wanting to be treated the same under the law, wanting to be paid the same amount for the same amount of work, wanting to be given all the same opportunities as our penis bearing brethren do.
That's IT.
I'm in a bad mood. Normally, I go on Pinterest to avoid the heated Facebook conversations like this. Then some woman had to post "Great science Activity for boys" and I was all interested trying to find something cool to share with the BF's son so I wanted to see what makes it a "boy" activity? Anything particularly gross? Weird insects? Disgusting textures and smells? Not that any of that matters to some of the girls (like my own) that I know, but still I was searching for what made it a "boy's" activity. For instance, this blog, I GET.. 10 Cool Science Activities for Boys I mean making fake snot and poop? I can see why most girls wouldn't want to do that. Instead it was some totally generic experiment and for some reason, it TOTALLY PISSED ME OFF. In my mind, the person who posted this apparently thought that cool science was only the domain of BOYS. Well screw you random woman on the internet...the subtle and insidious dumbing down of American women can not be allowed to continue.
I know that "feminists" are labeled as man haters, but I don't hate men. I'm currently in a relationship with one and quite fond of him. So, tonight's rant will not be about men, it's going to be about WOMEN. Women who apparently hate women. Women, who apparently are ASHAMED of women who stand up for themselves, who expect equal pay for their work, who would like control procreative control over their bodies without giving up sex. Women who train their daughters to be submissive and good house cleaners and teach their son's to be all they can be while being waited on hand and foot. You'll tell your daughters about not doing X, and X and X because of the "dangers" out there... but never once have a conversations with your son about demeaning women or hey, try not to RAPE ANYBODY. They are the ones who start off any sentence that has them standing up for their own damn selves as... "well, it's not like I'm a FEMINIST or anything...BUT... " Dammit woman. It's OK to be a feminist. It's OK to stand up for yourself and expect to be treated with respect. It does not mean you have to go running out the door to toss your bra, lipstick and heels on the nearest bonfire and hook up with another chick and become vegan. How did it become OK for us as a society to refer to ourselves as bitches... but Oh? A Feminist? I'd NEVER be that.
Are you a Stay at home? who decided that the most important job you have is to raise your children? THEN YOU TOO CAN BE A FUCKING FEMINIST by raising your daughters to be proud and strong and your sons to be respectful of women. Give that girl a Tonka trunk, let that boy change the diaper on the baby doll and you are well on your way!
Do you like to dress up and be pretty and put on lipstick and flirt with attractive men? Guess what? YOU CAN BE A FEMINIST too! There is no rule that says you can't like men, wear push up bras, and not be expected to get paid for the same work you did the day before date night.
Love your men, love the sons and the husbands and the boyfriends and that really hot guy who mows your lawn without a shirt on. But never allow them to treat you like you are less than. I've discovered that most good men WON'T. I've discovered that even the kind of sketchy ones won't do it unless you've ALLOWED it. Let's all try and be more like Hedy Lamarr, who was fucking gorgeous and BRILLIANT than the hot mess that was poor Marilyn Monroe. UGH, "hot mess" another pet peeve... but that rant will wait til another day.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Dear Universe:
I need a positive change. I am so thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life; a brilliant, creative, funny child, a handsome, loving boyfriend, friends and acquaintances who really seem to be there for me when I need them. I'm in a rut though, and I'm struggling. I hate where I'm working and that needs to change ASAP. I'm self sabotaging my body by refusing to get out and give it the exercise it needs. I get a handle on one part of the house, only to let another fall into near hopeless conditions. I'm eating healthier, but I'm still drinking too much and combined with the lack of exercise the scale just seems to creep up instead of down on a daily basis.
There is so much potential in me; but somehow, I feel blocked. I want to be a creator and not exclusively a consumer. I want to feel passionate about things again. There are so many cool things out there to explore and do. Yet, nightly, I return home after a miserable day at work and don't have the energy to do any of it. I waste my time on FB and Pinterest, looking at all the wonderful things other people do. Or watch Netflix til late so I can't even get good rest. Sheesh, I haven't even read a book in ages. I used to write almost daily. Now nothing.
I know I have to change. I know the change needs to come from me. I know that when those changes take hold things start to happen. I don't deserve good things to happen to me just because I'm not a bad person. Good things will start to happen when I start to make them happen. I know I can't manifest change to start tomorrow... but I can make positive steps towards it each day. I know you have sent possible help that I've ignored and frittered away. Like why have I STILL not sent my app in the CH2MHill?
If I want a new life, I have to create it. I have to embrace the good things going on in my life and give them more energy and power. Not waste my energy and power on the things that don't bring me any joy.
New goal. I'm going to stop beating myself up over things. I'm going to try and create something every day. Whether it's creating a nicer space for myself, a drawing, a painting, a blog, plans for the garden ... just one every day for now until it becomes a habit.
I need a positive change. I am so thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life; a brilliant, creative, funny child, a handsome, loving boyfriend, friends and acquaintances who really seem to be there for me when I need them. I'm in a rut though, and I'm struggling. I hate where I'm working and that needs to change ASAP. I'm self sabotaging my body by refusing to get out and give it the exercise it needs. I get a handle on one part of the house, only to let another fall into near hopeless conditions. I'm eating healthier, but I'm still drinking too much and combined with the lack of exercise the scale just seems to creep up instead of down on a daily basis.
There is so much potential in me; but somehow, I feel blocked. I want to be a creator and not exclusively a consumer. I want to feel passionate about things again. There are so many cool things out there to explore and do. Yet, nightly, I return home after a miserable day at work and don't have the energy to do any of it. I waste my time on FB and Pinterest, looking at all the wonderful things other people do. Or watch Netflix til late so I can't even get good rest. Sheesh, I haven't even read a book in ages. I used to write almost daily. Now nothing.
I know I have to change. I know the change needs to come from me. I know that when those changes take hold things start to happen. I don't deserve good things to happen to me just because I'm not a bad person. Good things will start to happen when I start to make them happen. I know I can't manifest change to start tomorrow... but I can make positive steps towards it each day. I know you have sent possible help that I've ignored and frittered away. Like why have I STILL not sent my app in the CH2MHill?
If I want a new life, I have to create it. I have to embrace the good things going on in my life and give them more energy and power. Not waste my energy and power on the things that don't bring me any joy.
New goal. I'm going to stop beating myself up over things. I'm going to try and create something every day. Whether it's creating a nicer space for myself, a drawing, a painting, a blog, plans for the garden ... just one every day for now until it becomes a habit.
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