Depression or Hormones?

OK, I think I'm ready to admit it.  I've been depressed.  It's affected my work, my efficacy and joy at being a parent, and is making me kind of a buzz kill.  I haven't written forever because I've been lost in this sea of Netflix Marathons and endless hours of cruising through Facebook posts and Pinterest pins.  I've become a consumer of media and not a creator of it, and that has me feeling really sad.  And pissy.  I'm always crabby, I feel put upon at the slightest request, I'm being intensely selfish and it's not good for me or for the people around me.

The Universe always sends you messages when you are ready to hear them.  Today, the messages I received were this.  I'm unhappy because I'm settling.  I've settled for mediocrity and a pay check and I'm not being authentic.  Now 1/4 of  that pay check may disappear because I've not been myself and I'm missing deadlines and because I just basically told the other 3/4 of my paycheck to go to hell by quitting my largest account.

I need a big change.  But I need to be employed to survive.  There are so many decisions I need to be making and I've done nothing but practice avoidance. I take three hour naps.  I distract myself with... all sorts of things, social media, the endless offerings of bland TV shows and bad movies that can be streamed, booze, food, social situations with people I no longer find interesting or stimulating.  I've isolated myself.  I no longer have friends that I feel I can discuss any of this with... because I'm deeply and profoundly ashamed.  I don't want anyone to know what's going on inside of me and it's making me really uninteresting.

I feel as if I've lost my character.  My joy.  My drive.  I know that there are things I should be doing AND I KEEP ON NOT DOING THEM.  I do the very basics to survive and maintain and Life should be about so much more.  I have an amazing BF that works all the time, doing ACTUAL work, career wise, as well as on himself... he's teaching himself piano.  He starts projects around the house. He exercises regularly.  I really feel as if I'm holding him back.

My family grew recently when he moved in with his two kids.  They are great kids, funny, warm, intelligent.  And I feel like all I do all the time is YELL at them or show my disapproval... I see how it dims their inner a light a bit each time, I see it as I'm doing it to my daughter... and I try and catch myself sometimes with a joke or by distancing myself and just SHUTTING UP.  But then one non perfect aspect rears it's head and off I go.

I need to do something immediate.  I'm thinking about starting off with "natural" depression cures first, over the counter herbs and exercise.  Trying to create a consistent structure for myself and the family.  Trying to react first with warmth, and humor and love and less with anger and sarcasm.  GAH.  Now I actually need to go off and do something as well.