A new 365 Challenge...

Been awhile.  Not surprising.  Not really sure what has been up with me lately.  I do know one thing for sure, I'm not a very good Blogger,  LOL.  I'm also horribly inconsistent and can't seem to stay on track with anything... judging by the stopped and started projects, weight loss ambitions, etc.  I've spent the last week in Navarre, Florida.  It's hot.  This body is not meant to be seen in bathing suits, shorts or other summer attire.  Years of living in Alaska have made me the Queen of hiding my body and the more I hid it... the more it grew.  And grew.  And grew.  Here, EVERYONE puts it all out there, the young, the old, the skinny and the not so skinny...

So here is the picture that changes everything.  I don't recognize myself in this picture at all.  It's not even the worst picture as far as how large I've become.  It's my face.  It's all bloaty and swollen.  Who is that?

 

It sure as heck doesn't look like  me.  I thought I looked AWESOME when I left the house... I mean, sure, I'm bigger than I've ever been, but it's not like that should define me right?  BUT OMG.  I keep coming to it and looking for myself and I don't see me.  

So, yeah - starting a weight loss thing again.  But slowly - and first is a 365 challenge... to walk at least 30 minutes a day (or average it out across a week)  

I was going to wait until I went home to begin, as I'm still on vacation...but it seems like I'm always waiting for the perfect time and it never really comes.  So why not start today I thought to myself.   

First walk down today.  1.74 miles at about 21 minute miles.  I was out for roughly 36 minutes.  Not a bad start since it was 90+ degrees.  Right?

This new thing...

OK, so its' been awhile since I've truly been excited about anything, or really felt like I had anything interesting to write about... and that's all changed int he last few weeks.  One - I'm employed!  Yeah! Working on the North Slope of Alaska, Prudoe Bay, Deadhorse... New sites everyday.  New work challenges and new people.  Yeah!  Also, my new schedule revolves around working three weeks on and three weeks off... and I'm making as much as I did when I was working crazy hours with PTP and on call all the time... Seriously... YEAH!  Second... and sort of tied to it and sort of not... How do you live, pack, etc for three weeks?  And have everything you need?  And if I can live on this minimum for three weeks... then why is my house so cluttered?  So, new thing I'm trying out..

"The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up"  It's a book about de-cluttering. Forever.  Getting your house in order.  Keeping ONLY the things you love and spark JOY in you.  (or at least find really, really useful) I have a few days before I go back  home and start... but I am literally giddy with excitement.  I honestly feel like I'm turning the corner and heading in a new direction...

Going grey...

Nothing here. Move along. Just a woman getting older. I'm doing it. I'm letting my hair go grey. I'm breaking my fear of a few streaks of grey and have stopped dying my hair. I will no longer be a slave to my colorist. My daughter can snark away. But I don't ever want to be that woman with the skink streak because she missed her last hair appointment. Or the 70 year old with jet black hair. I am going to grow old gracefully dammit. I am going to get healthy once and for all and people are going to look at me and be like WOW. I feel like I wasted a good chunk of my youth... let me not do it with my middle age.

Your Story:Original Drawing #1920-Boxed Book Set

Your Story:Original Drawing #1920-Boxed Book Set

You don't have to be a bundle of contradictions to be a woman, she said. But we all agreed it helps.

Depression or Hormones?

OK, I think I'm ready to admit it.  I've been depressed.  It's affected my work, my efficacy and joy at being a parent, and is making me kind of a buzz kill.  I haven't written forever because I've been lost in this sea of Netflix Marathons and endless hours of cruising through Facebook posts and Pinterest pins.  I've become a consumer of media and not a creator of it, and that has me feeling really sad.  And pissy.  I'm always crabby, I feel put upon at the slightest request, I'm being intensely selfish and it's not good for me or for the people around me.

The Universe always sends you messages when you are ready to hear them.  Today, the messages I received were this.  I'm unhappy because I'm settling.  I've settled for mediocrity and a pay check and I'm not being authentic.  Now 1/4 of  that pay check may disappear because I've not been myself and I'm missing deadlines and because I just basically told the other 3/4 of my paycheck to go to hell by quitting my largest account.

I need a big change.  But I need to be employed to survive.  There are so many decisions I need to be making and I've done nothing but practice avoidance. I take three hour naps.  I distract myself with... all sorts of things, social media, the endless offerings of bland TV shows and bad movies that can be streamed, booze, food, social situations with people I no longer find interesting or stimulating.  I've isolated myself.  I no longer have friends that I feel I can discuss any of this with... because I'm deeply and profoundly ashamed.  I don't want anyone to know what's going on inside of me and it's making me really uninteresting.

I feel as if I've lost my character.  My joy.  My drive.  I know that there are things I should be doing AND I KEEP ON NOT DOING THEM.  I do the very basics to survive and maintain and Life should be about so much more.  I have an amazing BF that works all the time, doing ACTUAL work, career wise, as well as on himself... he's teaching himself piano.  He starts projects around the house. He exercises regularly.  I really feel as if I'm holding him back.

My family grew recently when he moved in with his two kids.  They are great kids, funny, warm, intelligent.  And I feel like all I do all the time is YELL at them or show my disapproval... I see how it dims their inner a light a bit each time, I see it as I'm doing it to my daughter... and I try and catch myself sometimes with a joke or by distancing myself and just SHUTTING UP.  But then one non perfect aspect rears it's head and off I go.

I need to do something immediate.  I'm thinking about starting off with "natural" depression cures first, over the counter herbs and exercise.  Trying to create a consistent structure for myself and the family.  Trying to react first with warmth, and humor and love and less with anger and sarcasm.  GAH.  Now I actually need to go off and do something as well.

Feminist - Fuck yeah, be one and be proud.

Definition of FEMINISM

1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes

2: organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests

 Dude. That's it. THAT'S all that being a feminist is. Wanting to be treated with the same respect, wanting to be treated the same under the law, wanting to be paid the same amount for the same amount of work, wanting to be given all the same opportunities as our penis bearing brethren do.

That's IT.

I'm in a bad mood. Normally, I go on Pinterest to avoid the heated Facebook conversations like this. Then some woman had to post "Great science Activity for boys" and I was all interested trying to find something cool to share with the BF's son so I wanted to see what makes it a "boy" activity? Anything particularly gross? Weird insects? Disgusting textures and smells? Not that any of that matters to some of the girls (like my own) that I know, but still I was searching for what made it a "boy's" activity. For instance, this blog, I GET.. 10 Cool Science Activities for Boys I mean making fake snot and poop? I can see why most girls wouldn't want to do that. Instead it was some totally generic experiment and for some reason, it TOTALLY PISSED ME OFF. In my mind, the person who posted this apparently thought that cool science was only the domain of BOYS. Well screw you random woman on the internet...the subtle and insidious dumbing down of American women can not be allowed to continue.

I know that "feminists" are labeled as man haters, but I don't hate men. I'm currently in a relationship with one and quite fond of him.  So, tonight's rant will not be about men, it's going to be about WOMEN. Women who apparently hate women. Women, who apparently are ASHAMED of women who stand up for themselves, who expect equal pay for their work, who would like control procreative control over their bodies without giving up sex. Women who train their daughters to be submissive and good house cleaners and teach their son's to be all they can be while being waited on hand and foot. You'll tell your daughters about not doing X, and X and X because of the "dangers" out there... but never once have a conversations with your son about demeaning women or hey, try not to RAPE ANYBODY. They are the ones who start off any sentence that has them standing up for their own damn selves as... "well, it's not like I'm a FEMINIST or anything...BUT... " Dammit woman. It's OK to be a feminist. It's OK to stand up for yourself and expect to be treated with respect. It does not mean you have to go running out the door to toss your bra, lipstick and heels on the nearest bonfire and hook up with another chick and become vegan. How did it become OK for us as a society to refer to ourselves as bitches... but Oh? A Feminist? I'd NEVER be that.

Are you a Stay at home? who decided that the most important job you have is to raise your children? THEN YOU TOO CAN BE A FUCKING FEMINIST by raising your daughters to be proud and strong and your sons to be respectful of women. Give that girl a Tonka trunk, let that boy change the diaper on the baby doll and you are well on your way!

 Do you like to dress up and be pretty and put on lipstick and flirt with attractive men? Guess what? YOU CAN BE A FEMINIST too! There is no rule that says you can't like men, wear push up bras, and not be expected to get paid for the same work you did the day before date night.

 Love your men, love the sons and the husbands and the boyfriends and that really hot guy who mows your lawn without a shirt on. But never allow them to treat you like you are less than. I've discovered that most good men WON'T. I've discovered that even the kind of sketchy ones won't do it unless you've ALLOWED it. Let's all try and be more like Hedy Lamarr, who was fucking gorgeous and BRILLIANT than the hot mess that was poor Marilyn Monroe. UGH, "hot mess" another pet peeve... but that rant will wait til another day.

********** Update****************

I put on my big girl panties and sent off my resume to CH2M Hill.  I feel lighter.  God I  hope this works.  I know I asked for way too much money, but I always feel like I undervalue myself so I get less than what I deserve.  Good Luck to ME!!